Not gonna listen, but i need to vent

as a parent, i hope that i do enough to encourage my son to things that he enjoys, to try things he has yet to experience.  I hope that he can and will continue to feel comfortable talking to me about things; goals, dreams, likes, dislikes, failures, accomplishments... anything.  I hope to have words of wisdom, and to inspire him.  i try hard to be a positive role model, a parent, and a friend. I'm by no means a perfect parent... but i try my damnedest.

Today, I didn't get this from my dad, and I'm so very disappointed.  I've often talked about him as one of my running heros, having run a marathon.

I haven't seen him in a few days, so when I heard him come home today, I made a point of coming out of my office to say hi, and see how he was.  I also had to show off my new air cast... lol.  He shook his head, and said "i think you should really reconsider running, and should just give up on it.  Maybe do yoga instead."  When I told him that I'd be volunteering at this weekend's race, since I had asked him to come with me for what would have been my first "du" to spend the day with him, he said "maybe you should stick to volunteering"

I contemplated carrying on this conversation, discussing the shoe issues I had, etc. which may have contributed to the injury, but in my mind, I was already so sad.  Part of my motivation for starting to run in the first place was to shed a few pounds, weight that I gained after quitting smoking -- something I've very proud of.  I remember my dad telling me once that it looked like I had gained weight and should diet.  Thanks.

I so badly wanted to tell him that I've never been good enough, never gotten encouragement, only hear the things I've done wrong.  I still walk on egg-shells around him, and feel like a failure to him at 31!  I know he doesn't often think about what he says, how it comes out or how it might affect the person hearing it.  I also know that he's been very depressed and stressed out lately... so maybe not the right time... but i feel the way i feel.

This is not something I'd normally spill out to everyone, but I know he won't ever read this, and I needed to get it out... somehow, somewhere -- since it's running related, I figured why not.  I wanted to ask him if he thinks Paula Radcliffe, or any other professional, elite runners should have given up their goals and dreams, even success after their first or any injury?!   I wanted to ask him if he gave up on me the first time I made a mistake?

No, I'll never be an elite runner, but I also don't run to win races!  I run because I can, I enjoy it, it feels good, it's me time, and helps keep off the weight that he pointed out I had gained, it's a change of scenery, and I like race shirts!  I run because I don't want to go through seizures ever again.  I don't think I need to justify this to anyone, reasons are as individual as the person... but I was so discouraged by his lack of support, and his suggestion of giving up something I enjoy because of a bump in the road!

Yes i'm frustrated with this injury.  But I think despite wearing this cast, having to sell race bibs for races I was excited to do, and not being able to run for a while, I've been fairly positive. How quickly that became deflated today.  

Like i said in my title... I'm not going to listen to it... I'll chalk it up to my dad being my dad.  I love him, but he's got a strange way of being a "parent" sometimes.  There, venting done for today. I'm done.  I feel a bit better.  I will try to put it behind me now, forget it happened, and not talk about it anymore.  I will remain positive, rest and heal up this leg, and come back better and stronger and prove him wrong.  I guess he doesn't know me as much as I thought he did.  I don't give up.  I fight.

Knowing that I'd be gone most of this weekend, I took my bike to the bike store tonight to get tuned up.  It's been about a month since I got it; so told me that the cables stretch a bit when first used, so to come for an adjustment.  I also noticed that since the crash, the chain clicks more than I remember it.  Since I'll be doing a whole lot more biking now, I wanted to make sure it was in top shape.  You had to have seen the guys face as I walked my bike into the service center. 

"Did that (pointing at my leg in the cast) happen from this?" (pointing at my bike!)  I laughed, said no, but told him that the stitches hiding under the cast was.... i wanted to find a rock to hide under... lol.

sorry to anyone who has read up to this point.  i guess it's a good thing it's a long weekend!!  LOL i really wasn't expecting anyone to stick with me till the end of this one.  i wrote this post for selfish reasons, but thanks for reading this far  :)