i thought it would be different

**no comments needed, just needed to write.

I had reservations about telling him. He's only ever told me that maybe I shouldn't, maybe I'm not meant to. Certainly I *can't* be his daughter-- he never had any injuries. Support hasn't really been there, so I didn't feel the need.

Since I began running in 2007, my absolute ultimate dream goal was to run a marathon at the age of 32. Why 32? My dad was 32 in 1982 when he ran his. I thought it would be something. And yes, this was an "ultimate dream goal"  -- the biggest of many smaller goals, most of which I achieved along the way. I never thought I'd be just over a week away from it. I've come a lot further than I ever thought.

I moved to Toronto with my dad 17 years ago when he got accepted to University to pursue his studies. Since then, it's been just him and I out here, the rest of our family is further west.

My journey from my first run to today has been interesting to say the least. I feel like I've been that "girl". The one who puts her heart into it, but experiences everything.  Injuries, accidents, mishaps, (accompanied with many joys..) but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? The fact that my heart is in it is what counts. I don't run to prove my pace to anyone, to compete or to win. I enter races not to "race", but to enjoy running somewhere I wouldn't otherwise, down the middle of a normally traffic-filled road, parts of the city I don't normally visit. Encouragement from a crowd, a t-shirt and finishers medal as a souvenir.  I want to do this for a long time.

Now at the age of 31, I still have the constant feeling of never being good enough. I will feel like an unworthy child whenever I'm around him. It's awkward.

If there was one person in my immediate world that should understand what I'm feeling a week away from a marathon, it would be my dad; he's done one.  My mom has never been athletic, but indulges me on the odd occasion when I talk about running to her; I know she's just being a mom.

I hesitated, but considered what his reaction might be if I simply told him after the fact.  I called him last night and asked what he was doing next weekend.

 

Dad: "Nothing, why"

Me: "Do you know want to come out to Mississauga on Sunday?"

Dad: "Why, what's in Mississauga?"

Me: "Me, running a (pause, for dramatic effect...lol) marathon"

Dad: "Oh really, I'll think of you.  So this week I had to visit a construction site, and do some training....."

Back to his life, talking about his work and money, as usual.  

If I told you I didn't expect it, I'd be lying.  If I told you I wasn't disappointed, probably because I was expecting it, I'd still be lying.  

He might be proud in his own way -- while I know he can show emotion, pride might be one he has difficulty with, but it sure would be nice one day.

Will he show up and surprise me? Doubt it, but if he proves me wrong, I will be extremely shocked and happy.  Will I ask him again to come? No, I don't feel like I should have to. Terron, Jay and Colleen, one of my high school friends...  who certainly never thought I'd be running a marathon either will be there.

I can't change him, and wouldn't try. I recognize things in him that I never want to do to my own child.  So if there's anything I can take away from the hurt, it's that I never want Terron to feel how I feel at this very moment.  I'm ok, not the first time I'm feeling this way; just the first time I'm letting it come to the surface.

If by the end of next weekend I'm a marathoner, I will have achieved my ultimate dream goal... more than 3 months ahead of schedule.  Cool.

I will also take this opportunity to apologize to you all in advance.  I currently have about 4 posts ready... all sitting there ready to be published. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on right now; I'll try not to inundate the interwebs and you readers all at once. :)