what crutches?

4 days since "the run", things have been coming along, and am happy to report I've completely gotten rid of the crutches! Yesterday I was able to move around the house for short distances with just one crutch, and later tried without the crutches with some success. While I'm still limping quite a lot, I'm just pleased to be able to put more and more pressure on my leg each day.

I went for another treatment after work today, and was with another doctor who also happens to be a masters runner, pounding the pavement for the last 40 years.  He said he wanted to get me back out on the road as soon as possible, watched me walk, and felt around on the bones. He's pretty certain I'm not dealing with another stress fracture, which is great news.  It seems, however, to be muscular, but very deep since I can't feel it. I can poke, massage, do anything, and I can't trigger the same pain/feeling that I get when I walk. Almost seems like something is being pinched, and the muscle just not stretching causing my leg to feel like it'll give out, and I can't lengthen enough for my regular stride. Hard to explain, and he's perplexed too. He did say that I must have a high tolerance for pain. Saturday will be another session, and hopefully by then I'll be limping even less.

I've taken the last few days to really absorb all the comments and think about things. 

One of my personality traits is I am "all or nothing."  Love it or hate it.

I've posted about this before, but the pre-surgery Mel hated running, never found any enjoyment out of it, wasn't any good at it. I did other things like gymnastics, figure skating, soccer and baseball as a kid, women's touch football a few years ago, and have weight trained and done kick boxing off and on. Then I quit smoking, and had to do something to fill the time and shed the pounds. Found the Nike+ kit; music + gadget + motivation = me trying something new.  Didn't take long for me to look forward to getting out there and then syncing my runs.  Was it easy? No, not at all, but I'm used to things not being easy.  

Maybe that's part of the reason I enjoy running so much? The challenge. I am unlike many of you; those who have been running for years, maybe having done track and field at school, those who are naturally fast.  I was never that person; but I'm also not here to compete with anyone either. Yes, I'm impressed by your fast paces, how quick you recover from long runs, your PR's. I learn from you, am inspired by everyone, but I won't be the one trash-talking you or challenging you to any races.... even with a generous head-start for myself. :)

Seizures took away the following things from me. Independence -- I couldn't drive, couldn't keep Terron, (1-3 years old at the time), home alone with me, or take a bath by myself. I gave myself 2nd degree burns while taking a hot pan out of an oven while cooking muffins. Starting having a seizure on my way to the oven when the timer went off, and took out the pan unknowingly without oven mitts. Didn't feel a thing till my pain sensors came back. Ouch. Freedom -- Crossing the road became life-threatening. I had to depend on a lot of people to help me out. Pride -- Here I was, 22 years old, a mother, on disability from work, unable (due to medical reasons of course) to fully care for me and my son. Years from my life -- during the 2+ years of my life that I had seizures, I have very little memory. I started having seizures when Terron was a year old. I cannot remember his first steps, his first words. I rely on pictures to remind me of his early years. Those are years I will never get back.

Soon, I realized that running was slowly giving me back the same things I lost. Independence -- Running was something I could do for myself, by myself. Freedom -- I can choose a road, a trail, a path. I can go long, short, slow or (relatively) fast. I can listen to music, or the sound of my feet beneath me. I can run on my own or with friends. Morning, afternoon or evening. Treadmill or fresh air. Pride -- Finishing my first 10k race with a high school friend was pretty monumental for me, a half marathon even more so. Training for a race, finishing something I've starting by going to a race, reward for the hard work. Years of my life -- Life-changing events are just that.... moments of your life that make you appreciate what you have, what you could have lost, and help you realized what you can potentially have. I decided after my surgery that I wasn't going to sit around and wait for life to happen, it was in my control. Had I not decided to quit smoking, who knows when it would have impacted my life.  Because of running, I know without doubt that I will never be a smoker again; who knows if I would have been this committed if I didn't find something I enjoyed so much. Running helps me stay healthy, be active, provide a positive example for my son, reason to eat better. Doctors figure my seizures came as a result of stress -- long story, but makes sense. Running provides me with stress relief.

So as you can see, running for me is more than lacing up a pair of shoes, hitting the road and accumulating miles, medals, race shirts and bibs or faster paces. Those are all secondary to the things in my life which are of far greater importance. Intangibles that I no longer consider optional in my life which I control; things that I will fight with all my might to keep within my grasp. While I enjoy cycling, weight training, yoga and swimming, none of these activities seem to have the same power.

Registering for the marathon was not because you, you, her, him and them did one. Sure, I was motivated by my father. Knowing he's run a marathon in younger years, maybe a part of me thought that surely I had to have gotten some of his genetic traits, but I ultimately did it for me. Followed the training, started with a 5k, then 10k, then a HM. Finally hit the 30k; a marathon seemed like the natural progression, and an ultimate challenge. If it's meant to happen, it will.

Running is not what defines me, but it certainly has had a significant impact on my life. Could I live without it, sure, but not sure how long Jay would tolerate me... not sure how long I could tolerate me.

What is running to you?